I received a message recently about the reasoning for my “disappearance”. People seem to be intrigued on how I’m quite the social butterfly one minute then the next, I’m gone for weeks at a time without a trace. Yet, I’m able to reappear somehow refreshed and happy.
I sort of laughed when I read the message, “How are you able to be the person you are and still be in the shadows?” The answer to the question, being the person that I am – was answered with another question. “How are you able to find yourself, speak to yourself, love yourself when you and your self – skin included, have yet to know each other on a personal level?”.
I take the time out to know myself because just like seasons, you will change. Behaviors and emotions reveals who you are but sometimes you are not aware of them, especially when they suddenly appear (and trust me they do sometimes, leaving you to question who you have become). I’m going to share something personal, on what happened to me recently that I can laugh about, now.
My insecurity of “not being good enough”.
Recently, I became friends with an old flame. During the time we talked, he had nothing going on for himself – lived with his mother, no job, no education past high school (not like that’s a bad thing), no will. NOTHING. After becoming cool again, he had everything – a house, a great job, a will to chase his dreams, etc. And you know what I said to myself … “I’m not even good enough anymore”.
So after praying to my God and discussing with him my insecurities. What he has now are only materialistic things. What about his insides? But that’s not even important!
What’s important is what I learned. I create my own definition of worth, of value, of self-love. Do you understand that? I can only be seen as “good enough”, when I feel as though I am good enough! Thus, I cannot outperform my level of self-esteem. && that is one of the many great lessons this life has taught me. I belong to myself, what a blessing that is.